“Cope Ahead” To Handle Holiday Stress
Upon first sighting of pumpkin-spiced stuff in stores, we anticipate the holidays.
Anticipation may bring feelings of warmth and joy (twinkly lights, PTO, Christmas jammies) as well as pangs of the less fun stuff: anxiety, dread, loneliness, resentment (would it kill you, loved one, to do a dish every once in a while?).
The cope ahead skill from DBT is designed to help prevent or reduce difficult emotions by identifying potential stressors in situations that are likely to be challenging and imagining coping well with them. Research has shown that we have an innate tendency to fixate on problems, a negativity bias that evolved to help our species survive by keeping fears and unpleasant experiences top of mind. Coping ahead is transcending that bias to focus on solutions.
Coping ahead is not simply “positive thinking.” It's considering that adversity may befall us, feelings (both wanted and unwanted) will naturally follow AND we can handle it. Like, literally handle anything, in time, with adequate internal and external resources. How actively and skillfully we cope can transform suffering that feels intolerable (one kid is vomiting, one has diarrhea, and we’ve been stuck on the runway for two hours) to pain that feels manageable (reframe: those are not hostile stares of strangers’ pity and reproach; those are empathetic glances from folks stoked they’re not me today). This point is one of the main contributions of DBT to psychology, in my opinion: the conception of suffering as deriving from skill deficits rather than willpower or personal deficits (e.g. “I just suck at life"). When it’s a skill deficit, we can learn and overcome. Which is great news for those of us who didn’t grow up in perfect families. We can train our brains focus not just on the risks that life presents, but the rewards of skillfully navigating them.
Thus I cordially invite you to download this worksheet for a chance to brainstorm your own potential holiday stressors and fixes! Included is an example to get the juices flowing.
Last tip: also consider how overstimulated or understimulated you are likely to be over the holidays. That is, some of my clients struggle with having too few people around: maybe their families aren’t safe and their chosen family/friend group has dwindled. Others struggle with too many folks: parents and siblings crowding your house, or the boss up your ass at 10pm on a Sunday, or New-Year’s-at-Disneyland-related overwhelm.
Kidding, actual last tip: consider what problem-solving you may be able to do ahead of time to reduce potential conflict. Mentally complete the ‘do I really want to DM my high school crush’ or 'cook a 17-pound turkey' pros and cons (in a therapy session or on your own) and choose accordingly.