Relationships are the best (and worst).
Relationship problems keeping you up at night?
Whether it’s your spouse, your brother, your manager, or your mom, the people in our lives can be both our greatest champions and greatest tormentors. And while others’ actions can be bedeviling enough to deal with, sometimes what’s going on in our heads only heightens the struggle, as in the zen saying “Pain is what life does to us, and suffering is what we do to ourselves.” My work with relationships starts with identifying what is in our power to change (such as our thoughts, our actions, etc.) and what we must accept (our feelings, others’ feelings, when a relationship no longer aligns with our values, etc.). From there, we can collaborate on a plan to make change as well as a pathway to acceptance and letting go.
I am a firm believer that relationships require more than just willpower and good intentions to thrive; concrete skills help, too, many of which are not innate and may never have been modeled for you (as they weren’t for me). Assertive (not passive, not aggressive) communication, emotion regulation and distress tolerance, setting boundaries, observing one’s own limits — I am a hugely enthusiastic nerd about developing this stuff! While you may understandably decline to go to that extreme, I am living proof that patterns can change, real growth can occur, and you can feel more secure, close, and empowered in relationships.
Can we talk about sex, too?
Yes. You may not have broached the topic much in therapy before, or you may be new to therapy and unsure of what’s kosher. And not all therapists feel competent or comfortable to explore this area. I do, and invite you to consider it. In addition to the face-value appeal (you could have better sex!), sex can often parallel dynamics in other parts of our lives — for example, having difficulty advocating for one’s needs in bed may show up at work and in friendships, too. Plus, a rising tide floats all boats: growth in the area of sex can empower us elsewhere and contribute up to 20% of a relationship’s satisfaction. However, bringing up sex in therapy does not mean you will ever feel pressured to be more sexual, or less sexual, only supported in helping sex occupy as much space in your life as is currently desired.
Exploring sex in therapy could look like: the differences between sex and love; libido mismatch between partners; sexuality through the lifespan; sexual orientation; consensual nonmonogamy; shy folks and sex; HSPs and sex, sex as a form of adult play, and more. We will look at the importance of context: how internal state and external circumstances affect sexual experience. And I can help you shift the focus from desire or orgasms to authenticity, vulnerability, empathy, and pleasure: the elements sex researchers say build a great sex life. Because as sexologist Emily Nagoski writes, “sex is far more a brain process than a genital process.”
If you’d like to explore relationship and/or sex therapy with me, feel free to reach out. Please note that while I work only with individuals on an ongoing basis, it may be appropriate to have a partner, spouse, etc. join your session occasionally, when mutually agreed upon and in line with your goals.